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Why Is Divorce So Hard?

Why Is Divorce So Hard?

The traditional role of the lawyer is to represent the interests of the client, by advising the client regarding current laws, counseling the client, and managing the legal process for the client. While the lawyer will continue to perform each of these traditional functions in the mediation process, the manner and the context in which those functions are performed will be different. The vital distinction is that mediation is a non-adversarial process, through which each client is encouraged to take responsibility for resolving the dispute outside of the courtroom.
A Divorce Lawyer’s Role Prior to Mediation: The divorce lawyer can assist their client in making informed decisions about the mediation process before the process begins wherein the lawyer encourages their client to resolve the dispute, consistent with the principles of mediation. The lawyer explains to the client the nature of the mediation process, what to expect during mediation, the relevant divorce-related laws (i.e. parenting time, decision-making, maintenance, child support, financial disclosures and allocation), and how the mediation process impacts the court procedures. The divorce lawyer can help their client make an informed choice of a mediator based upon such factors as the nature and complexity of the case, the background and experience of the mediator, and the potential fees involved. The lawyer assists the client in determining whether timing is a factor in choosing mediation. By obtaining a divorce lawyer prior to mediation, it allows the client to understand the range of outcomes that are possible if the case is litigated and to formulate a range of acceptable outcomes for the mediation process based on current law.

A Divorce Lawyer’s Role During Mediation: The divorce lawyer’s role is to assist the client in negotiating for himself or herself, bearing in mind the non-adversarial nature of mediation. The lawyer guides the client in negotiating by encouraging the client to express thoughts and feelings, helping their client define their interests, and helping the client gather necessary information, generate options, and examine consequences. The lawyer can guide the client through settlement discussions whether the lawyer attends the mediation sessions or not. The lawyer may consult with and advise the client before and after the session(s). The lawyer might also advise the client of when it would be wise to request a break in mediation for the opportunity to consult the lawyer for additional information and advice. In some cases, the client and the lawyer may arrange for the lawyer to be available by telephone for consultation while the mediation is being conducted. The lawyer manages the legal process for the client while mediation is being conducted, keeping the client informed of important dates, responding to and filing necessary pleadings, and conducting discovery as is deemed necessary based on the issues presented in each case.

A Divorce Lawyer’s Attendance at the Mediation Session(s): The choice of whether the lawyer attends the session(s), as well as the extent of participation by the lawyer, ultimately belongs to the client. The client makes his or her choice after discussion with the lawyer and consideration of the lawyer’s advice. Because the success of the mediation process depends, among other things, upon each client making informed decisions in resolving the dispute, the lawyer’s task at this stage is to enable the client to make an informed decision about these issues. A client suffers no prejudice if he or she chooses to attend mediation without his or her lawyer present. Mediators do not make any findings of fact and do not impose any decisions upon the parties. While mediators may encourage and assist the parties in resolving their dispute, they are prohibited from compelling or coercing the parties into a settlement. In reporting the outcome of the mediation, the mediator shall indicate only the terms of any agreement reached or the fact that no agreement was reached. Mediators should advise each client that they have the opportunity to consult with an independent lawyer and is encouraged to do so.

A Divorce Lawyer’s Role After Mediation: The lawyer assists the client in reviewing the terms of any mediated agreement, testing the client’s understanding of the terms, and, arguably most important preparing formal agreements outlining these mediated terms that can subsequently be entered by the court in the form of a Marital Settlement Agreement, Allocation Judgment and/or Judgment for Dissolution of Marriage. The lawyer helps the client finalize the legal process when mediation is concluded, whether mediation resulted in complete, partial or no agreement. If no agreement or only partial agreement has been reached, the lawyer assists the client in continuing the process, which eventually will dispose of the entire case through trial or further settlement efforts. However, it is important to note that because mediation is a voluntary process in which the parties take responsibility for and create their own solutions, the final terms are not enforceable until entered by the court via appropriately drafted and reviewed documents, usually prepared by their individual lawyer. The decision to divorce is never easy, and as anyone who has been through it will tell you, this wrenching, painful experience can leave scars on adults as well as children for years. Before you and your spouse decide to call it quits, consider whether your marriage can be saved. It’s a common belief that women are typically more emotional than men. However, many studies have been done on the subject of who the divorce is harder on, each to discover that divorce is harder on men. In fact, a husband may have much more to lose in terms of both health and happiness in a divorce than his wife.

Here’s Why Divorce is Harder on Men than Women – Men Skip the Grieving Process.

Divorce is one of the most stressful things that can happen in life and only more stressful than the death of a close friend or family member. The person you are losing in the case of marriage dissolution has been your partner and in your life for a long time and grief is a natural feeling. When men skip the grieving period, they feel at a loss, as their plans are derailed, goals and dreams are changed, and the life plan will differ substantially. Women take time to grieve, which is a healthy emotion and much needed to move on. Women will also seek professional help or help from family members when they divorce to aid in their emotional state. When men bottle up their emotions, it can result in massive depression and anxiety.
Men’s Health Declines Drastically

Men experience more health problems in the process and after a divorce. The most common health problems include weight fluctuations, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Men also have the added stress of handling all the finances and identity loss, which makes them much more susceptible to both stroke and heart disease. Men are also more likely to self-medicate with alcohol and drugs than women are instead of seeking therapy as women do in stressful times. When married, wives usually try to encourage healthy behaviors of their spouses. This can make men more dependent on the women. When men are depressed, they talk to their wives, whereas when women are depressed, they often choose to speak with a professional, friend or family member. Men are just not accustomed to seeking out emotional support from others that aren’t their spouse.
Men Lose Their Identity
When couples are together, they identify as being a wife or husband and this is a large part of who you are. The marriage status is one of the critical factors in self-identification and how others view you. Husbands, when going through a divorce, see themselves as no longer being half of a partnership, whereas women are more likely to pick up new activities and join groups during the marriage than men do. This allows women to have a social connection that can still exist after a divorce. Men don’t get involved in new activities after marriage dissolution.

Men Rush Into New Relationships
Since men don’t take the time to grieve correctly, they don’t want to be alone after a divorce and will most likely rush into a new relationship right away. In this manner, they can meet someone new and suppress all their feelings and disappointments with the failed marriage. This can lead to troublesome relationships. On the other hand, women take time out to grieve and examine their emotions. Women will also take their time before entering a new relationship, making a future relationship stronger. Women are also more likely to not rush into something new because face it, who wants to feel like they are back in high school with all the uncertainties of those relationships. Divorced women are much less likely to remarry than divorced men. If you notice, online dating sites have a large excess of men over women. Many women with children that divorce doesn’t want to enter into another relationship after the first wasn’t successful for fear of a new relationship not lasting either.
Men Miss Their Children
More often than not, after a divorce, the mother ends up with child custody. This will leave men only seeing their children on a custody schedule and not on an everyday basis as they did when they were married. Men will feel like they aren’t a part of the children’s lives anymore because they miss the big baseball game, parties or other events that still exist. Men don’t appreciate calling their children to find out what’s going on. Women, on the other hand, are still a significant player in the children’s lives if they live with their mom. Most often, the mom will feel fulfilled and distracted from unproductive feelings because the children are with her and she interacts with them on a daily basis.

How Men Can Get Their Lives Back After Divorce
There are a lot of forces at work against men after divorce, none more powerful than the social expectations that they “bounce back” quickly. These expectations, unfortunately, provide a framework that doesn’t really work for men socially, emotionally, or financially. There are two primary things, that can be done in tandem, to help men weather a divorce and its aftermath. The first is to get experienced legal representation, ideally working with a family law attorney who sees you as a person, not a stereotype, and who is in tune with your needs and goals for your divorce. The second is to work with a reputable counselor. Many of the struggles identified in this blog stem from a loss that men may not have the emotional tools to work through. Counseling, whether short-term or ongoing, can help you develop new skills for dealing with your new reality: processing grief, making new connections, maintaining and growing your relationship with your children. A breakup or divorce can be one of the most stressful and emotional experiences in life. Whatever the reason for the split and whether you wanted it or not the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions. Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely painful because it represents the loss, not just of the partnership, but also of the dreams and commitments you shared. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hopes for the future. When a relationship fails, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. A breakup or divorce launches you into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup also brings uncertainty about the future. This pain, disruption, and uncertainty means that recovering from a breakup or divorce can be difficult and take time. However, it’s important to keep reminding yourself that you can and will get through this difficult experience and even move on with a renewed sense of hope and optimism.
Coping with a breakup or divorce
• Recognize that it’s okay to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused and these feelings can be intense. You may also feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
• Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
• Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, other relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.
Tips For Grieving After A Breakup Or Divorce
• Don’t fight your feelings; It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
• Talk about how you’re feeling: Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
• Remember that moving on is the end goal: Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
• Remind yourself that you still have a future: When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it’s hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
• Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression: Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

Divorce Lawyer

When you need a divorce in Utah, please call the divorce lawyers at Ascent Law LLC for your free consultation (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.

Michael R. Anderson, JD

Ascent Law LLC
8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C
West Jordan, Utah
84088 United States
Telephone: (801) 676-5506
Ascent Law LLC
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